


This Is A Will They/Won't They Panel Game

by nymeriahale



Series: Love Apparent [4]
Category: British Comedy RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-11-18
Packaged: 2017-12-31 02:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymeriahale/pseuds/nymeriahale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on episode 6x07 of Would I Lie To You?, when Lee claims that he can tell whether people listen to mostly tea or coffee just by listening to their stomach. And then proceeds to demonstrate this on David.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Cam :)
> 
> I would highly suggest watching this episode, or if you search just 'tea coffee stomach' in YouTube it comes up. But the whole episode is wonderful, there's some really nice David/Lee banter throughout :)

“I can tell if someone drinks mainly tea or coffee just by listening to their stomach,” Lee claimed, turning to David’s team with a slightly challenging air. 

“Right. David’s team, what do you think?” Rob asked, taking Lee’s claim in stride.

“How?” was David’s team’s immediate question, as the audience laughed.

“Well, there’s a certain rumble to your coffee drinker,” Lee began to explain.

“Oh?” David questioned, curious to hear how Lee would attempt to spin this particular lie.

“It is the _slightest_ thing that only someone with a sensitive ear like mine would hear,” Lee continued.

“Can you reproduce the rumble yourself?” Huw requested.

“What did you say?” Lee asked, humour so quick that the audience missed the joke until Rob began laughing.

“I’m sorry, Huw, what was the question?” Lee asked again once the audience had settled down.

“I said, can you reproduce the rumble in some kind of form? Give us a sense of whether it’s resonant, or a bit of a squeaky rumble. What kind of rumble is it?” Huw asked, doing very well to appear as it he were taking Lee’s claim 100% seriously.

“I would say that the drinkers of coffee have a, have a rumble that I can only describe as…” and here Lee paused, searching for an amusing description. “Imagine a small fish passing wind, but you’ve got a stethoscope to the glass. It’s the _mildest_ of rumbles, and as I said, only a trained ear-”

“Whereas the tea drinkers rumble?” David enquired, speaking over Lee.

“Much - I mean well hardly ever, _hardly_ ever,” Lee told him. “I mean it’s, it’s to do with the-”

“What, they rumble less, the tea drinkers?” David asked, again cutting Lee off.

“The tea drinkers are a less of a rumble than the coffee drinkers,” Lee confirmed.

“Because I’m a tea drinker, and I rumble _loads_ ,” David stated.

“Good thing you don’t drink coffee, you’d be all over the place!” Lee quickly rejoined.

“But surely, I mean they’re the same amount of liquid so, I don’t understand, why…?” Sarah asked.

“Well I’m glad you asked me that Sarah,” Lee replied. “Finally, a sensible question. It’s to do, apparently, with-” Lee paused slightly as David broke into loud laughter. “-It’s not the actual, and I genuinely don’t know what it is,” Lee continued, knowing it would make David laugh again.

“I believe you,” David told Lee, smirking.

“It’s to do with something that’s in coffee,” Lee began, then started speaking faster, knowing David would pick him up on this. “It’s something that’s in coffee that isn’t in tea-”

“Oh!” David exclaimed, but Lee continued talking.

“And it isn’t coffee!” he insisted, grinning across at David.

“Right,” David nodded, smiling slightly. Lee really was doing a brilliant job of spinning this ridiculous lie, he thought.

“It’s my party trick,” Lee informed them. “I’ll ask if someone wants tea or coffee, then I’ll go ‘In fact, don’t tell me.’ And I’ll get down on my knee, and I’ll lean in like that,” he leans towards Josie, “And I’ll go, ’I’m guessing coffee.’”

“Can you do that?” David requested. “To, to Bradley or Josie and say which they prefer?

“Why don’t I do that to you David, ‘cause I think that’s what you want,” Lee responded frankly. “Finally some physical contact between us,” he continued over David’s attempt to speak.

“I know, I know,” David replied, fighting the impulse to smirk or make any innuendo about further physical contact they’d experienced.

“Let’s just this out of the way,” Lee continued, much to the audience’s amusement.

“I’m desperate to get your _ear_ on my bare skin,” David said sarcastically. “But no,” he went on, “Do it to, do it to Josie.”

“No, I want to do it to you.” Lee insisted. “It’s a will-they/won’t-they panel game-” 

David laughed in a manner that could only be described as a cackle, “Lee, have you lost your memories of the last few years?” he asked, feigning concern. “I’m very concerned that you think there’s still a question here.”

Lee grinned delightedly across as David. “I’ll do it to everyone,” he announced once the audience had settled slightly, referring back to his ‘party trick’.

“Are you going to do us all?” David asked as Lee loomed over a worried looking Rob.

“Please, David, you know our relationship is exclusive,” Lee responded, moving on past Rob.

As the audience laughed, Lee prepared himself and leaned down over Huw, aware of David’s eyes on him the whole time. “News just in,” he straightened up to say, before leaning down again, as Huw pulled a disgusted face. “There’s a definite rumble, you’re a tea drinker,” Lee said, confusing Huw and David.

“I thought you said tea drinkers rumble more?” David questioned at Lee moved around Huw’s chair.

“There’s a rumble, but it’s not, it’s not the - it’s a mild rumble,” Lee explained, David nodding in acceptance.

Lee leaned down once over David, before straightening back up to hold his jacket together. He teased by leaning down slightly once more, then straightening again to send a quick look over the closely watching audience. Finally, he bent down slowly over David, mouth held open suggestively and trying desperately not to laugh.

“I’m having flashbacks,” David commented dryly. Lee burst into surprised laughter, doubling over and having to cling to David’s shoulder for support. David grinned widely at his hysterical boyfriend, “I didn’t mean stop!” he exclaimed, “I was quite enjoying the memories.”

“I’ll give you some nice new ones tonight to make up for it, how about that?” Lee suggested, having finally brought his laughter back under control. He was always surprised - but delighted - when David made comments like that in public.

“If we could get back on track?” Rob interrupted, speaking loudly over the laughter of the audience and cutting off David’s response.

“Yes, of course,” Lee agreed, startling slightly at Rob’s loud tone. Composing himself, Lee leaned back down over David with the same suggestively open mouth. David couldn’t hold back a smile as Lee bent over him, leaning in close. Lee stayed with his ear pressed against David’s stomach for a long while, as the audience laughed hysterically.

“That was lovely,” David said, looking into Lee’s eyes once he had straightened up. “That was really lovely.”

“D’you know what,” Lee said, clapping a hand on David’s shoulder and holding eye contact. “I can’t make my mind up. I’ll have to check again,” he concluded, rubbing his hand over David’s shoulder and grinning.

David pulled a face this time as Lee leant back down, looking out at the hysterical audience. “You’ve got a very warm ear,” he told Lee when Lee finally stood back up, resting a hand flat on David’s stomach for a moment.

“It’s tea,” Lee informed the audience, brushing his hand across David’s stomach before moving behind him to approach Sarah. David shuddered slightly at the drag of Lee’s fingertips, flustered by the whole exchange. Even after all these years, being in close proximity with Lee never failed to make his heart race. 

“Now, I have a different system for the ladies,” Lee said, rubbing his hands together as he approached Sarah.

David smiled as he watched Lee and Sarah banter, sitting back to simply enjoy the show as his boyfriend charmed and amused both Sarah and the audience effortlessly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra chapter because - as pallas_athene quite rightly pointed out - it appears that Lee and David are out in that last drabble and that was not my intention. I wrote this initially to combat that, but it ended up being a little hurt/comfort drabble all on it's own.

“That went well, I think,” Lee smiled in the WILTY green room after the show, buzzing with energy from the audience.

“Yes,” David agreed, resting his head back on the cushions of the sofa. “But those lights haven’t half given me a headache,” he admitted, eyes falling closed. 

“They gave you a headache last show, too,” Lee said. 

“Mmm,” David agreed. He felt Lee’s weight dip the sofa next to him, and cracked an eye open. “I’m fine really,” he said, smiling a little to try to alleviate the concern creasing Lee’s forehead.

“You threw up three times, last time,” Lee said bluntly. “I hope you weren’t planning on going to the pub this time, hmm?”

“Ugh,” David winced at the memory and Lee’s loud voice. “Fine. Let’s not fight, please,” he asked, even the quiet tone of his own voice sending pulsing waves of pain through his head.

“Ah, so this is like the last time then?” Lee asked softly, scooting to press his warm side against David. “It’s another migraine, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” David murmured. He had had a few as a teenager, inherited from his mother, but he had gone years without suffering them before the last recording. He leant into Lee’s comforting warmth, turning to hide his head in Lee’s neck and almost whimpering in relief as the worst of the light was blocked out.

“Home?” Lee suggested gently, resting his head lightly on top of David’s for a split second and bringing a hand up to rub at the tense muscles in the base of his neck. 

“Need to say goodbye to everyone. And thanks. But. After that, yeah,” David conceded with a sigh, having trouble pulling complex sentences together through the pounding in his head. Lee stilled for a moment, and David knew he was surprised that he had agreed so easily, but he didn’t want to go through anything like the aftermath of the last recording session again.

“I’ll go round and make your excuses, how about that?” Lee suggested. 

Before David could respond, Sarah entered the green room. “Hello all!” she called cheerfully, before registering David and Lee’s position. “Oh,” she stopped short. “Are you two actually together then?” 

David winced as the motion of Lee’s arm dislodged him from his position and allowed light to press against his closed eyelids once again. How was it possible that this light was worse that the glaringly hot stage lights? He slit open his eyes warily, almost moaning at the pain, to see Lee making frantic hushing motions. He smiled slightly at Lee’s intensity, reluctantly sitting up and pulling himself away from Lee’s warmth and the shade of his neck.

“Shh? Why shh?” Sarah asked, admittedly quieter than her initial greeting had been. “Are you meant to be hiding? ‘Cos this is the public green room. Anyone could have wandered in while you two were snuggling - adorably, by the way.”

“We’re not hiding,” David insisted wearily, the familiar assumption irking him even through his headache.

“Oh, should I have known then?” Sarah asked, looking at Lee strangely as he continued to make shushing gestures. “Am I just really behind on my gossip?”

“No,” was David’s simple response.

“First off, we’re being quiet because he’s got a migraine,” Lee said when it became clear that David wasn’t offering up any further explanations. “And we’re not hiding anything. We’re being exactly ourselves in public, and that’s it.”

“God, it seems so obvious now,” Sarah said, thinking back to all of David and Lee’s teasing banter during the show, the way they worked to make each other laugh… “So the blowjob jokes, were-?” Sarah stopped herself, not quite meaning to have vocalised that realisation.

“Jokes, yes, but based on our actual relationship and sex life. Shocking.” Lee said shortly, David’s tense posture and uncharacteristic silence on the subject reminding him at every moment how much pain his boyfriend was in. “And don’t feel bad for not getting it. The entire public seem to think this ‘relationship pretence’ is just some long running joke of ours. That is, those who have even noticed anything at all,” he added wryly. “You know, someone photographed us holding hands and posted it on twitter the other day. It got quite some circulation, and convinced all of 3 people. Apparently everyone else just thinks he must have seen the photographer in a reflection, and are pulling some sort of con.”

“They’d have known 2 years ago if we were straight,” David muttered bitterly, before tensing and holding himself perfectly still as a wave of nausea washed over him.

“Oh, shit, you said migraine,” Sarah suddenly clicked, seeing David’s tense posture. “My mum had them, they’re awful. I’ll leave you alone now, God, sorry,” Sarah turned back to the door and then paused. “D’you want me to make your excuses to everyone? Both of you?” she asked.

David started to shake his head, but halfway through the motion something clattered to the floor in the recording studio, the loud noise making Lee and Sarah jump. David, by contrast, hunched over with a gasp, pressing his hands hard to his ears. 

“I think that might a good idea, thanks Sarah,” Lee replied on their behalf, rubbing a warm hand across David’s back. “No,” he said as David looked up to protest. “You can apologise to everyone next time you see them if you must, but we’re going home. Now.” His tone brooked no argument, so David simply sighed and nodded his head, noticing Sarah slip silently out the door as he did so.

“Thanks,” David muttered so quietly Lee wasn’t sure he had heard him. David hated admitting to weakness, especially in front of fellow-comedians, but he wasn’t at all sure he would have made it through goodbyes without throwing up on someone. He wasn’t sure he was going to make the journey home, regardless.

“Of course,” Lee replied lightly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of David’s head. “Now, up we go,” Lee stood, and held out his arms for David to hoist himself up.

David took a tight grip of Lee’s forearms, leaning heavily on his boyfriend as he pulled himself to his feet. Once standing, he allowed himself to sway forwards slightly and rest his head on Lee’s shoulder, again tucking his face into Lee’s neck to avoid the light. He stood there for a long moment, wrapping his arms around Lee and savouring the feeling as Lee did the same, one arm tight around his waist and the other reaching up the rub again at the base of his skull. He let out a long breath at the soothing sensation. “Thank you,” he murmured again into Lee’s neck. 

“David,” Lee backed away slightly, pulling David’s head up and shading David’s eyes with his hands when David flinched at the light. “David, of course,” he repeated sincerely. “Anytime,” he insisted, “and of course.”

“Love you,” David murmured, turning his head to brush a kiss on Lee’s wrist.

“You too, darling” Lee responded, ducking into the shield created by his hands to press a brief, tender kiss to David’s lips. David sighed gently at the rarely heard endearment, one he tended to be too stubborn to admit to liking. “Now, come on,” Lee went on, pulling away. “Home and bed for us.”

“That sounds perfect.” David replied, smiling slightly despite all the pain. _Perfect._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think David appears to be overreacting to his migraine, then you've clearly never had one. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this! :) As always, any BritCom prompts are very welcome. I do have a few fics in the pipeline though, including a Christmas fic in this 'verse, their coming out in this 'verse, and _another_ coming out fic based in it's own universe!


End file.
